The Importance of Being Polite: A Lesson from My Two-Year-Old Daughter

On December  23^rd 2015, my family and I were doing the last Christmas shopping, and while my wife busied herself picking up items and unable to make up her mind over certain items ― and this happens quite often ― I walked around with Arya, my two-year-old daughter. She has thick black hair, very kinky in a unique kind of way, and people always stop by to have a second look ― an African-Filipino breed is a rare one where we live. As we wheeled around on the shopping cart, a well-dressed lady approached my daughter, and without saying anything, stretched her hand to touch her hair.

Arya shoved her hand away, and said with force, “Don’t touch my hair.” The people around turned to look, and we wheeled on. I wondered why she had to react the way she did. But it wasn’t long before I understood why. Few paces ahead, we meet an elderly woman who stopped, and said, “Hi, little girl!” She spoke for a while with my daughter and lavished her with compliments, telling her she was beautiful. At the end, she asked her, “Can I touch your hair?” I was surprised when my daughter leaned forward, allowing the old lady to pass her fingers over her hair. That was a powerful lesson on the importance of being polite and the role that gentleness plays in our connections with others ― even strangers.

Essential Elements of Politeness

We recognize the presence of others: Politeness recognizes the presence of another person. “Hi, little girl,” immediately connected my daughter with the old lady. She knew the lady recognized her presence.  The well-dressed lady was so self-absorbed that she failed to notice this little detail which can create a huge difference in connecting with others. Building rapports with others is very important when it comes to establishing healthy and meaningful connections.

We acknowledge their gifts: We make others feel needed and appreciated when we point out their gifts. The old lady was able to connect with my daughter by letting her know that she looked pretty and had beautiful hair.  

We ask permission: “Can I touch your hair,” asks for permission. It’s an act of humility when we recognize the gifts in others. We get people involved when we ask permission to enter into their personal space. It also means that we pay attention to them and value who they are. People easily open up and collaborate when they are valued.

Whether you’re giving up your seat in the bus for the elderly or removing your hat while inside the house, acts of politeness gets noticed, and they draw people to us. Politeness is a quality of character for people who are serious about building relationships and connecting with others. When it comes across as natural, it has the power to open doors and touch hearts in ways we can’t imagine.